FOUND FILM DOCUMENTS: Looper Crime Syndicate Meeting Minutes

Looper Crime Syndicate: Monthly Project Meeting Minutes, 4/2/37

  1. Meeting Attendees: Abe, Mickey, Joe, Seth, Mark, Frankie, Mack, Moses, Jimmy
  2. Meeting Apologies: Kid Blue, Jesse
  3. Guests: Freddie (New Hire)

Agenda Item 1: The “Loopers Not Killing Themselves” Issue
Discussion: Abe began the discussion by summarizing the problem. “Listen, people: I just looked at the tallies. Every month, we lose five to six loopers when they refuse to kill their future selves.

They just don’t like doing it.

It’s our number one problem, and it’s killing our margins because we spend half of our time trying to round people up. We are in the crime business, not the ’rounding up our own employees night after night’ business, are we not?”

[GENERAL MURMURS OF AGREEMENT]

“So I’m looking for suggestions. Anything. No topic is taboo. How about you, Seth?”

Seth: “I’m thinking the future guys could send back future Loopers along with an alligator or a bear of some sort. That way, even if the present Looper doesn’t kill the future Looper, the alligator might.”

Abe: “That’s good thinking! But the time machines are way too small for large reptiles or mammals.”

Mickey: “What if they gave ’em really heavy shoes, like those wooden dutch ones? Then they wouldn’t be able to run so fast.”

Abe: “I like your effort, but I think it would be hard to find so many wooden shoes on short order, and besides, future Holland is run by Malaysia.”

[Freddie, the new hire, raises his hand]

Abe: “Yes, new guy.”

Freddie: “Maybe this is a dumb question, but why do Loopers have to kill themselves in the first place? Wouldn’t it make more sense if the people from the future just sent back the loopers to, uh, anybody BUT that looper’s past self?”

Abe: “No, new guy. Everybody knows that a Looper has to close his own loop.”

Freddie: “Not to talk out of turn, but why? It seems like this whole mess could be avoided just by having Loopers close each other’s loops.”

[Audible groans from around the room. Unidentified person yells “Close each other’s loop? That’s like tyin’ someone else’s shoes!”]

Abe: “No, you guys are Loopers. Loopers close loops.”

Freddie: “I’m not sure I fully understand you. We just want these guys dead, right?”

[Seth stands up and yells]: “No! Everything comes full circle! It’s the whole point!”

Freddie: “Fine, ok. At the very least, why not have someone supervise the loops? Surely an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure in this case.”

Joe: “Aw, Jeez! Would you want someone watching over you while you were taking a dump? Looping is private business.”

Freddie: “Huh? What does taking a dump have to do with anything?”

Seth: “You just don’t get it, do you, new guy?”

Freddie: “I just think that if we had a third party with a blunderbuss waiting with each Looper while they’re about to close their loop, we could save a lot o-”

[Abe smashes his hammer against the table]: “ENOUGH! Get this guy OUT!”

[Two men burst in and carry Freddie out of the room. He is heard yelling “I just don’t think you guys have put a lot of thought into this whole process”.]

Abe [collecting himself]: Okay. I’m putting in an order for wooden shoes this week. In the meanwhile, please, please remember to kill your future selves – and most importantly, have fun.”

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About electronbadlands

I’m Trevor La Pay. In this space, I’ll be writing about games, movies, books, and art in general. Some of the things I like are trash, but some trash is worthwhile. Stay tuned!

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